How to Foster Effective Communication in Neurodiverse Relationships

Communication is vital in any romantic partnership, yet it can be particularly challenging for couples in which one partner has autism spectrum disorder (ASD). People on the spectrum have a unique way of interacting with the world, and in many cases, this extends to their intimate relationships. As Wilson and Hay (2017) point out, individuals with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) often have a tough time with three fundamental aspects (that are often taken for granted) of any social relationship: (1) interacting, (2) understanding what's going on beneath the surface (or not at all if the surface part is not interesting), and (3) engaging in behaviors that help glue a relationship together. Without these three fundamental aspects working sufficiently, the conversational component of a relationship is going to be pretty weak.

Many AS/NT couples demonstrate a pattern of the "communication roundabout," where the AS partner may not grasp or delve fully into the conversation. The exchanges then feel too superficial or unfulfilling for NT partners. This is a leading cause of strain in AS/NT relationships. Communication is necessary for relationship health, and throughout the years, AS individuals have been considered on the spectrum of poor communication. Hearing and understanding are two different things; it often takes AS individuals longer to process whom, what, when, or where.

Research has indicated that partners in neurodiverse relationships are less satisfied with their romantic partnerships than are couples made up entirely of neurotypical individuals. Beamish and Attwood (2020) have proposed that this is connected to the nature of emotional expression in the relationship. They said that neurodivergent individuals often have real difficulty expressing emotions, and when they do, it's safe to say that what comes out is a condensed version of what an ordinary individual might express. For us, emoting is not as easy; therefore, we're often not as good at it, both in the practice and the performance. The authors also bring up the role of nonverbal cues in the relationship, and I'm interested to note that these cues are also critical to the interpretation of another key element of feeling satisfied in a relationship: humor.

In spite of their difficulties, plenty of couples get along quite well and see success by embracing their neurodiversity and learning together about ASD. They also engage in and benefit from some pretty good therapy. Solution-focused therapy, as described by Millar-Powell and Warburton (2021), has shown particular promise for neurodiverse couples. Yet therapy, like life, can be messy and is rarely a straightforward journey from point A to point B. And even if we could look in on some couple who has completed a therapy program, we shouldn’t mistake earthly results for heavenly endorsements of therapy. And yet, on the earthly register, we do hear encouraging signs from these authors.

In counseling, couples gain tools and techniques to bridge misunderstandings and foster true connection. Therapy helps partners navigate the complexities of neurodiversity, empowering them not only to understand each other better but to turn their differences into strengths that support the relationship. With the guidance of a therapist, couples move from confusion and frustration to clarity and connection, creating a shared experience that honors both partners' unique perspectives. Therapy goes beyond improving communication—it enriches the way couples experience life together, helping them emerge stronger, more united, and ready to embrace each other fully. If you’re seeking to deepen your bond and transform your relationship, therapy could be the step that leads you there. Please reach out to our office manager Jane at 615-377-1153 or admin@brentwoodcounseling.com to schedule your initial session.

Written by: Abby Van Eman

Wilson, B. M., & Hay, S. (2017). The communication “Roundabout”: Intimate relationships of adults with Asperger’s syndrome. Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/23311908.2017.1283828.

Beamish, W., & Attwood, T. (2020). Caregiver Burden and Relationship Satisfaction in ASD-NT Relationships. Retrieved from https://www.cambridge.org/core/product/identifier/S1838095620000116/type/journal_article.

Millar-Powell, N., & Warburton, W. A. (2021). Therapy outcomes for neurodiverse couples: Exploring a solution-focused approach.. Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jmft.12526.