Sue Johnson, Founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), compares communication interactions between couples to dancing in her book Hold Me Tight (2008). One partner comments, the other responds, and the back-and-forth routine begins to form. Over time a couple develops a pattern from these interactions and it plays out again and again in their relationship. This can be a positive experience if both partners are getting their needs met within the dance. However, if patterns are unhealthy and leave one or both partners feeling disconnected or unsafe, the dance becomes destructive to the relationship.
Relationships are formed through attachment. Attachment refers to the emotional bond people develop with others. Attachment patterns in adult relationships usually reflect the bond formed with primary caregivers in infancy. Those who felt safe and loved by their parents generally form secure attachments in their adult relationships. When secure attachment in relationships is not established, problems can arise. The more safe and connected someone feels, the more he or she can experience and extend trust and intimacy. It is important to look at the patterns within a relationship in order to develop a secure attachment. Below are some of the most common negative patterns in relationships. Couples may experience just one of these patterns, more than one, or a combination.
3 Common Dances
1. Find the Bad Guy
This dance is self-protective and both partners are involved in accusing, attacking, and trying to prove the other is to blame. In this dance, each individual feels unsafe. As the threat of safely trusting the other to protect, value, and nurture diminishes, each person continues to escalate negative or harmful behavior in order to establish the upper hand and feel safe again.
An example of a couple in the Find the Bad Guy dance:
The husband says, “You didn’t pick up my dry cleaning.” The wife responds, “Well, you didn’t pick up the milk we need for breakfast tomorrow.” The husband responds with, “You didn’t text me about the milk until I had left the store.” And this keeps going until both are angry and have run out of words to say or walk away.
The problem isn’t the milk or the dry cleaning. It is that both partners feel unvalued by their partner not doing what was asked. In this attack pattern, neither feels safe enough to vulnerably express the hurt that lies underneath.
2. The Protest Polka
This is the most common of the dances and the easiest for couples to fall into. In this dance one person reaches for connection in a negative way, and the other pulls away. The push and pull movement continues with each move reinforcing the next in an endless, unsatisfying loop.
An example of a couple caught in the Protest Polka:
The wife says, “You never spend time with me anymore.” The husband looks down in silence at his phone. The wife responds, “There you go again, shutting down when I try to talk to you.” The husband glances up and then back at his phone again. The wife says, “Why do I even bother anymore? This is hopeless”
Under the surface of the words spoken, the wife is feeling disconnected from the husband and is trying to pull him into some kind of interaction to feel closer to him. The husband is feeling shamed by the wife and does not know how to change the trajectory of this interaction to let her know he loves her and needs her. He feels like a failure and believes anything he tries will backfire, so he sits frozen in loneliness and hopelessness.
3. Freeze and Flee
In this dance, both partners have given up and neither is getting their needs met. No one is making a move; there may be palpable tension or cold politeness between them. This dance is the most dangerous in a relationship. Both partners in this dance feel helpless due to the loss of connection and feel that the possibility of reestablishing their connection is hopeless. The individuals likely feel numb or trapped in withdrawal and detachment. Neither partner feels safe enough to risk vulnerability at this point, and both have resigned that this is how the relationship will always be.
An example of a couple trapped in Freeze and Flee:
The wife complains, “You never touch me anymore.” The husband retorts, “Why should I, you’re never in the mood anyway. You’re always more concerned about the kids.” The wife turns and mumbles under her breath, “Well, maybe that’s because they still love me.” Both walk away and busy themselves with work or household tasks.
Both of the partners have an aching need for touch and affection but are too scared to
admit it. Each partner begins to believe something is inherently wrong with him or her
that makes it impossible to be loved. They sadly accept that this is what they deserve
and resign to live with the emptiness and disconnection to which they’ve grown
accustomed.
The Slow Dance
When we slow down, we can discover the unhealthy patterns we are perpetuating. By working together to change unhealthy patterns, couples can create healthy attachments that will produce intimacy and commitment. Each person must take responsibility for his or her part to provide the safety and connection needed to rebuild trust and intimacy.
Learning Steps to a New Dance:
Notice when the pattern begins.
Calm your nervous system using deep breathing, ask to take a break and come back to discuss the matter when you’ve both had time to gather your thoughts.
Look inside to discover which emotion you are exhibiting and any underlying emotions you may be feeling. Ask yourself what you are longing for in the relationship. Do you need to feel safe, connected, valued, respected, seen, etc.?
Listen for what your partner is saying beneath the words. What might he or she need that is not being communicated? What is he or she longing for in this interaction? Can you provide safety and connection for your partner in this moment so he or she can share those needs with you?
Communicate your needs and your desire to meet the needs of your partner. Talk about the pattern you are stuck in and how you change the pattern by pausing and sharing your needs in a loving, safe manner.
If you recognize one or more of these dances in your relationship and need help addressing them with your partner, we would love to assist you in deescalating negative patterns, restructuring your bond, and consolidating your relationship.
Please contact our office manager, Jane, at 615-377-1153 or admin@brentwoodcounseling.com to schedule an appointment with one of our couples therapy counselors.
Resource
The Attachment Project Learn more about attachment and take a free quiz to determine how you attach to others and how your attachment style impacts your relationships.
Reference
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
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