Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Naming What’s Hard to Say

When someone asks, “What are your parents like?” – what comes to mind? For many of us, the instinct is to speak highly of the people who raised us. We may feel obligated to show respect, gratitude, or love. After all, they sacrificed so much for us. Some may still help us out with finances, child care, or the occasional ride to the airport. 

But here’s a deeper question: what happens when you tell them “No”? No to an update on your dating life, no to a politically charged conversation, or no to them coming over because it’s the end of a long week and you need space. 

Pause for a moment and imagine that situation. What goes on in your body? Do your shoulders tense or your chest tighten? Maybe there’s even a sense of panic or anxiety. If you feel a deep, automatic stress or anxiety around setting boundaries with your caretaker or parent, it could be a sign that they are emotionally immature and that the relationship revolves around their emotions and needs. 

Perhaps there’s guilt involved or a passive-aggressive response about how no one has time for old mom or dad anymore. What happens if they expect you to show up every Sunday, and you don’t? What happens if you try to express a personal struggle? Does the response shift to what they endured instead? If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not imagining things. And, you’re not being ungrateful. 

An emotionally immature parent (or grandparent, friend, etc.) often expects you to conform to their worldview, give full room to their emotional needs and moods, and meet their every expectation. When you don’t meet their needs, there may be tension that comes out in various ways, such as the following:

• Reacting strongly when you try to set boundaries. 

• Making conversations about them, even when you’re the one who’s expressing a need. 

• Using your achievements or presence to boost their image or the family’s. 

• Making you feel like you exist to cater to their feelings. 

This isn’t about denying that your parents worked hard or made sacrifices on your behalf. Acknowledging the harm someone did to you doesn’t mean you don’t love them and care for them. It’s about recognizing when emotional dynamics are imbalanced and affecting your well-being. It is possible to love and respect a parent while also recognizing how that person constantly expects you to bend to their whims and needs while minimizing your own. 

Some other hallmarks of emotional immaturity are in the way conversations are handled. Emotional immature people may:

• Talk over you when you try to share something meaningful. 

• Compare your pain to theirs (Well, when I was young…”). 

• Expect emotional caretaking from you instead of offering support. 

• Shut down when you express negative emotions. 

• Make choices on your behalf and without your permission.

Over time, you learn that your feelings take up “too much space,” and that the only safe option is to push them down. 

Emotional maturity isn’t about whether someone paid a bill or showed up at your soccer match. It’s about whether they gave you the space and safety to be you. It’s whether your feelings, boundaries, and needs were allowed or dismissed, minimized, or punished. Plus, acknowledging bad or hurtful actions does not cancel out the good someone has done.

Whether you’re a parent or your parents came to mind while reading this, please understand I'm not here to villainize you or anyone else. I’m here to ask if we can get curious. If we can get curious about understanding what shaped us and what still affects us today. Because if your role in the family was to manage other people’s emotions, hide your pain, or be someone you’re not, that’s worth exploring. And healing is possible – but it starts with being vulnerable and naming what was never named growing up. You deserve the same space and support as the family member you showed up for. At Brentwood Counseling Associates, we have numerous clinicians who understand the complexities of family relationships and how it can be difficult to balance love and respect for oneself and one's parents. If you’re interested in discussing this topic or any other in therapy, please reach us at 615.377.1153. You’re not alone. 

By Marianne Tan, MFT (temp)